hollywood squares

Well, if contemplating the perils of dihydrogen monoxide doesn’t brighten your day, a walk down television’s memory lane to THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES will certainly perk you up!

For those who grew up under a rock, The Hollywood Squares ran from 1966-1981. Nine “stars” sat in squares in a tic-tac-toe structure. The object of the game was for the X or O contestant to get three squares in a row. The contestant won a square by guessing whether the star was giving the correct answer to a question or making one up. The made up answers provided the humor.

Regular stars included Paul Lynde and Charley Weaver… They were joined by a constant stream of celebrity has-beens and wanna-be’s like Rose Marie and George Gobel.

Here is a sampling of the all-time favorite questions and answers as broadcast on daytime network television: Warning! Risqué double-entendres follow:

Peter Marshall: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: True or false… a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes…

Peter Marshall: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I love you”?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter… and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: What are “dual purpose” cattle good for that other cattle aren’t?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies… but I don’t recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body – what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul… during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I’ll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller’s recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How much did it cost? And one other… what?
Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?