tribute to rodney dangerfield

Comedian Rodney Dangerfield died last month at the age of 82. In his honor, we present some of his most memorable lines:

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years; I don’t want to interrupt her.

I’m at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life. In fact last night, I put a mirror over my kitchen table.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He told me I was being ridiculous; I haven’t met everyone yet.

I tell ya, I get no respect. No respect at all!

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it.

My wife loves to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel.

I wanna tell you I was ugly. I was so ugly, when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother… I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw… I was so ugly, my dad carried around pictures of the kid that came with the wallet… I was so ugly, when I’d play in the sandbox, the cat would keep covering me up…

I went to the doctor and said, “Doc, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I throw up. What’s wrong?” The doctor said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My wife, she’s another one. Last night our house caught fire and I heard her tell the kids, “Shhh, be quiet; you’ll wake your father.”

I dated a girl. She called me on the phone and said, “Come over; there’s no one home.” I went over, THERE WAS NO ONE HOME!

I like to go to bed with 2 girls. That way when I fall asleep, they can talk to each other.

My Daughter is like Federal Express, when she goes out with a guy she “Absolutely positively has to be there overnight”

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.

My parents hated me as a kid. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember when I was kidnapped. They sent my parents a piece of my finger. My father said he wanted more proof.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.